Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
