First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
