just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
