After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
