Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
