Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
