I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
