Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I did not marry a roomba.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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