Dual....:-)
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
