My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
