if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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