my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
