just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
