i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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