I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
