He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
