I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
