you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You were trust falling into bushes
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
