I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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