Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
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this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
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I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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