If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
