My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
