I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
