when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Every concussion has its silver lining
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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