I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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