Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
