I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
