We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
