Ketchup is God's man juice
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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