Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
