if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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