Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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