i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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