Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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