he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
