just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
