Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
