Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
