mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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