Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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