Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
where am i from again
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
