So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
