I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
