I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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