we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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