so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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