I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
North Korea, Best Korea!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
