How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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