I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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