Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
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He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
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After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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