Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
