I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
