I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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