Yo dont text me then not text me
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
