my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
