I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
