If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
