I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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